It’s been no secret to those around me that I’ve had a rough few days. Nothing particularly is wrong. I’m just having a “pity party” as my brother likes to call it. Everyone has their problems. Everyone has their issues. But, I don’t like having them.
I like things to be perfect. I like things to go according to “the plan.” I like things the way I like them, but nothing ever goes accordingly. I feel immense pressure internally from the false impression of expecation I get from others. I feel like much is expected of me and I can’t accomplish it all.
My mother swears noone expects anything of me. She swears noone is putting pressure on me. I have to respectfully disagree. Everyone has expectations of others. I know I do. And, I am usually disappointed because noone ever plays by my rules. They each play by there own, and mine and their’s rarely match up.
I’m blaming it on kindergarten.
Don’t they say everything you’ll ever need to know you learned in kindergarten? Well, I don’t know if I exactly agree with that statement, but I did learn a heck of a lot about what others expect of you. You’re expected to conform. You’re expected to not ask questions of those in charge. You’re expected to walk in a straight line on the right side of the hall. You’re expected to keep quite and not express your opinions unless asked and then you are told you’re wrong if what you say isn’t what the teacher wants. You are rewarded for being a “good little girl.” You’re given stars, candy and extra attention if you make the best grade or do the best work. If you’re not the best, not the brightest, you become invisible.
Who wants to be invisible?
Becoming the best and the brightest is the quickest and easiest way to become noticed. Once it starts in kindergarten, it filters over into the following school years and eventually into your personal life. You’re read fairy tales about princes and fair maidens, and eventually you expect these fairy tales to come true. This is not just my view point, but many girls I’ve come in contact with over the years feel the same way. Single, married, divorced – they all believe(d) fairy tales come true. You expect them to, but they don’t and you’re left with unrealistic expectations and disappointment.
Within religious circles it’s even worse. As a young girl, you’re expected to be quite and not ask questions. You’re expected to let the men in your life tell you who you should be. We often get caught up in the idea of perfection and forget that we’re all flawed.
I’m preaching to the choir here. I’ve already expressed my need for perfection. I’ve tried and tried to let things go. I’ve tried to not worry about life and it’s daily inperfections. I’ve tried, but have not succeeded.
I guess I have two options. Be perfectly unhappy or be imperfectly happy.
I think I’ll choose the later.